Memorial offers a place to grieve memories never made

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This article was published 17/07/2023 (735 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

There is now a place for women and families to grieve the loss experienced in miscarriages, something that happens in up to one quarter of all pregnancies in Canada according to Statistics Canada.

A memorial from the City of Steinbach is now up at Steinbach Heritage Cemetery for those who wish to publicly mourn.

Candace Loewen is the coordinator at Angel Baby in Steinbach, where women from all over North America attend a pregnancy and infant loss peer support group in person and online over Zoom.

She pointed to not only the huge growth of grieving women seeking the support group, but also the shared stories on the Angel Baby website, social media, and major changes in how miscarriages are dealt with starting in the hospital as evidence of people seeking a more open healing process.

“Even in the ‘80s, when a mom had a stillborn baby, the general practice was the baby would be taken away; there was often no memorial service or anything for them. Parents didn’t get to see the baby, and they were told not to. They were told not to connect with that baby in any way because it was too traumatic, and now studies have shown that it actually did more harm than good,” said Loewen.

Things have changed.

“They will have good support already in the hospital, and that’s huge. It sets up grief in a healthy way. I think it helps a parent validate that its OK that I’m this heartbroken over this,” said Loewen, who experienced this heartbreak herself in 2011.

She added that having a memorial for who could have been, can be a special part of the healing process.

“You kind of feel invisible and this is public, it’s there for people to see. Not only brings awareness for people who maybe haven’t experienced it, but also for parents,” said Loewen.

“When you’ve lost a small baby, you don’t necessarily have a headstone or anything to visit, and this gives them a place that they can go; a place that recognizes that this life meant something.”

Steinbach council approved the $20,000 memorial in November during a study session used to discuss any project ideas that are relatively small in cost but which can have a large impact in the community.

“The City has been upgrading the Heritage Cemetery over the last 10 years,” explained Coun. Susan Penner.

“We recognized a lot of these small projects emphasized recreation or arts, but things like grief which are significant parts of people’s lives often get overlooked. So we thought this would be a good project to do that helps with grief,” said Penner.

Mayor Earl Funk said this was the type of project city council tries to do every year at minimal cost that improves quality of life. He listed the basketball court at L.A. Barkman Park ($127,000 with the City paying $80,000), dog park ($47,000), plaza at the curling rink, solar-powered light on Abe’s Hill for longer sledding, splash pad downtown, and bike track at A.D. Penner Park as prior examples.

Larger projects some years are balanced by doing less expensive things like the memorial other years, he explained.

“[The splash pad] was one of those projects where you don’t do very much the next year because you kind of went a little bit over the year before,” said Mayor Funk.

Penner advocated to her fellow councillors for the memorial after hearing from women who felt like they did not have anywhere to grieve at her job as executive director of the pro-life organization Life Culture.

“I see a lot of grieving women, and one of the number one things they talk about is the lack of support when they’ve had a miscarriage, or when they’ve had infant loss. And so that is something that has really resonated with me over the past few years. We need to do a better job looking at grief and supporting women who are grieving; and that I would say as a society or culture we need to do that, but this was a small, tangible thing we could do,” said Penner.

Loewen explained how it is a different but just as serious type of grief that does not go away for families.

“You’ve lost a child. And maybe you don’t have memories to grieve, but you grieve memories that you never got to make. A mom is going to grieve that they never got to see this baby take its first steps or say there first words,” said Loewen.

Angel Baby hold in-person support groups for women dealing with pregnancy or infant loss the first Tuesday of every month. Online groups over Zoom for people unable to get to Steinbach are every first Thursday of the month.

Care packages and one-on-one sessions are also available.

The care packages include a candle, journal, book on infant loss, heat pack and other resources. Friends and family of women experiencing this loss can reach out to Angel Baby for a care package to share.

Loewen said she is working with local health care providers to make the packages available in southern Manitoba hospitals and clinics.

Anyone seeking more information can email contact@angelbaby.ca.