COLUMN: Don’t Mind the Mess – The compliment effect

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/03/2025 (389 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Every now and then, I’ll read a column or a post online that makes me chuckle, nod in agreement, or feel a deep sense of connection. It’s incredible when someone’s words resonate so strongly, almost as if they’ve peered into my heart and put my own experiences into words. In those moments, I feel a surge of gratitude that someone else in this complicated world understands exactly how I feel.

And yet, despite feeling that appreciation, how often do I take the time to let them know? It would be so easy to fire off a quick email or message to say, “Hey, I loved this!” But too often, I don’t. Maybe I’m too busy, or maybe there’s a tiny voice in the back of my mind that wonders if my words will even matter.

But they do. I know that firsthand. Anytime someone reaches out to tell me they enjoyed something I wrote, I soak it up like butter on warm toast. It’s not about seeking validation – it’s about knowing that what I put into the world made a difference to someone.

What amazes me isn’t just that people take the time to reach out, but that they do it without expecting anything in return. A handwritten letter, an email from a stranger, even a short comment on social media – it takes just a moment to extend kindness, yet it has the power to linger for days, even years.

I once received a note from a reader in Saskatchewan about a column I wrote on the importance of tipping. They shared how even the smallest expressions of gratitude can mean the world, especially in industries where hard work often goes unnoticed. It reminded me how much impact a simple “thank you” can have.

We have an incredible ability to shape the world around us with our words. A boss can boost an entire workplace by recognizing effort. A parent can change the course of a child’s day – maybe even their whole life – just by acknowledging the little things, like a toy put away without being asked or a kind gesture toward a sibling.

What if, instead of complaining about a sermon all the way home, we told the pastor, “That really spoke to me today”?

What if we sent a message to our local representatives, not to criticize, but to acknowledge the work they do? What if we told our spouse, “I’m grateful for you,” even when we don’t see eye to eye? Or let our doctor know that their care is appreciated instead of focusing on everything the medical system gets wrong?

We tend to hoard our compliments, as if people might get complacent or conceited if they hear too many good things. Meanwhile, criticism flows freely, as if it’s our duty to keep everyone in check. But imagine if we flipped that equation – if we made praise as natural and effortless as pointing out a flaw.

The truth is, people don’t just magically know how we feel. We assume they do, but human beings are notoriously bad at mind-reading. And when we don’t hear anything, we often assume the worst.

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” He understood something fundamental: praise isn’t about feeding the ego – it’s about lifting the spirit. And while there’s nothing wrong with self-encouragement, it’s a lot like trying to tickle your own feet – it just works better when someone else does it.

So the next time someone brightens your day, don’t just think it – say it. A few kind words can go further than you ever imagined.