COLUMN: Grey Matters – The problem of peer orientation

“When children and youth look to their peers for direction—about how to behave, how to dress, and what to believe—they become peer-oriented. This orientation can displace the natural adult-child relationship that is essential for healthy development.” -Dr. Gordon Neufeld

Not long ago, there was no such thing as teenagers. In the early 1950s it was simply children becoming adults. Affluence, an increase of schooling beyond age 14 and the development of a youth culture changed all of that. Youth now spend more time with each other than with adults which has led to another phenomenon called peer orientation.

Peer orientation, the valuing of peers rather than adults for guidance, values, and emotional support can have negative effects. In this state, individuals become more emotionally dependent on their friends or age-mates, seeking approval, identity, and a sense of belonging primarily from those within their peer group. While peer orientation can occur at any age it is particularly prevalent during adolescence when the desire for social acceptance is intense.

According to Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a leading development psychologist on the topic, peer orientation undermines the traditional role of adults as primary attachment figures and disrupts the transmission of culture, values, and emotional security from one generation to the next. Despite the current cultural sentiment, there is still an important role for benevolent hierarchy, where the older ones provide wisdom, guidance and stability for the younger ones. When I was a teenager my church had a wonderful discipleship program where my best friend and I met regularly with an adult who fed us, listened to us and prayed with us. Those times were so grounding for my young heart.

Peers leading peers can be like the blind leading the blind. They don’t have the same level of experience and empathy as adults do like caring teachers, parents and grandparents do. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all our teenagers had two or three wise adults that really cared from them during this time of heightened instability? Caring adults who truly believed in them and could orientate them during these years of greater vulnerability and confusion? Maybe this is what the Bible was getting at in Ephesians 6:3 – “if you respect your father and mother, you will live a long time and your life will be full of many good things.”

Last week, we looked at the value of intergenerational commitment through the example of Naomi and Ruth in the Old Testament. It is wonderful when families, churches, and society can provide a setting for intergenerational relationships and care. Peer orientation has also become a problem among the elderly. Retirees have more time than ever to hang out with each other. And while the cultural development of the teenager has made it harder to stay connected with them, many elders have also been quick to give up their role in their lives.

Peer orientation on both sides of the age spectrum has led to increased anxiety and loneliness for all. For seniors, maintaining strong connections with family and younger individuals can foster a greater sense of purpose (legacy), emotional well-being, and community integration.

Peer orientation is a double-edged sword: while social bonds are essential, overreliance on peers for emotional and developmental needs can undermine well-being for teenagers, the elderly and society alike. It is crucial for individuals to maintain strong attachments across the generations throughout life, ensuring the guidance, stability, and emotional security necessary for healthy development.