COLUMN: Grey Matters – The words we use

Language is important and shapes our perspective. Words can tune us into a more intentional way of thinking instead of being influenced by the dominant world culture around us. Below are some ideas; common terms and then a proposed term for to consider.

Death, died, passed away vs. crossing/crossed over/moved on. Dying implies a significant difference for people of faith. Scripture often avoids using the term “death” when referring to the death of believers. It uses metaphors such as sleeping, changing our clothes, or moving from a tent to a permanent home. ‘She died or passed away’ is passive and implies the person did nothing and it just happened to them. Death is not something that happens to us, it is something we do.

Bed-ridden, stuck in bed vs. bed-based. What is the first thing people do when they hear that they are ‘stuck’? They fixate on getting out at all costs. Being under God’s care is of greater import than where we are in the world. Even in his bed King David was able to keep track of world events and pray: “And the king (David) bowed in worship on his bed and said, ‘Praise be to the LORD, the God of Israel, who has allowed my eyes to see a successor on my throne today.’” 1 Kings 1:47-48

Fighting, battling a sickness vs. living with, dealing with, moving through. This one depends on the person’s attitude. “Fighting cancer” can put too much emphasis on winning or losing, which can be overwhelming and potentially harmful for someone dealing with a serious illness. Some people may find the “fight” metaphor unhelpful or even counterproductive, as it can feel like they are somehow failing if they experience setbacks or complications.

Decline, deteriorating vs. fading, moving on. It is hard for us to see loved ones as they leave us and their face becomes distant. Could it be that they are making real progress towards heaven? Pain in the body in the last days is hard, but perhaps the pain is not as acutely felt as it looks to us. (Read the book Final Gifts for amazing stories about this).

Got the best of vs. got the worst of. When our bodies die from diseases, we say phrases like ‘It got the best of them’, but did it? It got their body, but it did not get their soul which is the best part of us! God has the final say, He is working it out for the good. We do not lose. As the Scriptures say, ‘Oh death, where is thy victory?’

Retirement vs. eldership. We urgently need people who concentrate on the meaning of life rather than simply the speed and automation of it. Work is not everything. The word ‘retirement’ makes employment the center and fulcrum of life. In Biblical and Indigenous culture there is no such concept, but there is a taking on roles as respected elders, mentors, and cultural keepers, where individuals continue to contribute to their communities.

The one Bible passage that refers to ‘retirement’ talks about the Levite priests should stop regular service at age 50 and then focus on supporting the next generation: The Lord spoke to Moses: This rule applies to the Levites: Everyone 25 years old and above will enter into service, performing the duties for the meeting tent. At 50 years old each will retire from service. They will perform their duties no longer. Each may assist his fellow Levites in the meeting tent with some responsibilities, but he may not perform service. This is how you should assign responsibilities to the Levites. – Numbers 8:23-26

These are just some of my ideas as I walk with people in times of difficult aging and death. What do you think? Maybe you have a better word yet.

Gary Dyck is a chaplain and spiritual care provider at a hospital and personal care home in the Southeast.