COLUMN: Beyond the Shelter – Understanding domestic violence

Domestic violence is often misunderstood. When we hear the words “domestic violence,” many of us picture physical violence between partners. But domestic violence is much broader than that. It can take many forms, and often, the signs are not immediately visible.

At Agape House, our outreach department spends a lot of time in the community talking about what domestic violence can look like and helping people recognize behaviours that may otherwise be overlooked.

At its core, domestic violence is about power and control. It can include physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, and financial abuse, as well as intimidation, threats, stalking, isolation, and controlling behaviours.

It might look like a partner constantly checking someone’s phone or location, deciding who they can spend time with, controlling their access to money, preventing them from working, repeatedly criticizing or humiliating them, or threatening to hurt them, their children, pets, or themselves.

Sometimes, the behaviours can seem small on their own. A partner insisting on knowing where someone is at all times might be dismissed as jealousy. Constantly putting someone down might be described as, “just how they joke.” Controlling finances might be seen as simply one person being better with money.

Over time, however, these behaviours can create fear, dependence, and a loss of freedom.

One of the biggest misconceptions about domestic violence is that you can always recognize it from the outside. In reality, someone experiencing abuse may appear happy, successful, or completely unaffected. They may not identify what is happening as abuse themselves, especially when controlling behaviours have developed gradually.

Another common misconception is that someone experiencing abuse should simply leave.

Leaving is not always straightforward or immediately safe. A person may be worried about their children, housing, finances, transportation, pets, or what their partner might do if they try to leave. For someone experiencing abuse, leaving can involve significant risks and complicated decisions.

So how can we recognize the signs?

You might notice someone becoming increasingly isolated from friends and family. They may seem nervous about their partner’s reaction, frequently check in with them, change their behaviour to avoid conflict, or have limited access to money or transportation. You might notice unexplained injuries, but you might also notice changes in confidence, mood, or social connections.

None of these signs automatically mean someone is experiencing domestic violence. The goal is not to diagnose someone’s situation, but to remain aware and create opportunities for support.

If you are concerned about someone, you do not need to have all the answers. You can listen without judgment, let them know you believe them, and remind them that support is available. Avoid pressuring them to leave or confronting their partner, as these actions can sometimes increase risk.

Sometimes, support begins with something as simple as, “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed stressed lately. I’m here if you ever want to talk.”

Understanding domestic violence is everyone’s responsibility. The more we learn about the realities of abuse, the better equipped we are to recognize concerning behaviours, challenge misconceptions, and respond with compassion.

Domestic violence may not always be visible—but that does not mean it isn’t happening.

Lisa Fast is an outreach coordinator.

Agape House provides a safe space and 24/7 support to those experiencing domestic violence in Southeastern Manitoba. The local crisis line can be reached at 204-346-0028.